I have a good friend who does not create vision boards, new year resolutions or goals until February or March.  I always thought it was odd, but now see the purpose in this. There is so much hype and excitement towards the end of the year and the new year that sometimes it's hard to plan and really decipher what is needed for growth in a new year. 

It is our truth that we do not always fit in in every circle. I have learned that my truth is that though I may feel like I don't fit in I am still chosen to belong. That despite my preferences, my will, sometimes where I live, where I work, who he has given to me is exactly what he has designed for me.  So in these situations where I feel like I don't fit, that I'm different, that I'm not as outgoing, as eloquent, as glamorous: He says YET I chose you to belong here.

This week I was faced with a reminder of the unique challenges of parenting a black boy in this current climate. My oldest son who is still quite young in elementary school had an incident of pushing another child in a public setting. His dad and I were quite shocked by this as it is not typical behavior for him. For instance, if it had been my youngest toddler who was reported doing this I would have not batted an eye and profusely apologized for his behavior. However, with my oldest it pained me to have a brutally honest conversation with him about not just the importance of playing nice with friends, controlling anger, being honest and walking away….. but that he cannot afford even in his young age to act out physically with his emotions as his consequences can be much more severe. 

I decided to become a reproductive psychiatrist because of my love for OB-GYN, particularly delivering babies and counseling women during one of the most impactful seasons of their life. However, I learned quickly that the operating room was not for me! I was excited to learn in my third year of medical school that there was a field that would integrate my passion for making sense of the emotional experiences of women across the lifespan as well as the scientific inquiry that encompasses studying women’s health.

I write this the day before my 38th birthday. I had to stop today and just breathe for a moment amidst school starting on Monday for my boys and planning a birthday spa day. I found my mind drifting often to the MD identity more. I notice I drift to work at times because it is an area of my life where I falsely feel I have the most control over. When facing things that are overwhelming, interestingly, work distracts and temporarily “boosts me” in a sense of accomplishment and agency. However, this tends to have terrible personal and family consequences for me. I found myself even with taking "a day off" to relax and attend meet the teacher with my youngest son who will be starting PreK in public school this year, it was so hard to be present! I literally had to remind myself it is okay to have this day off and not be productive from a career standpoint.